I originally started this entry on Tuesday, April 14th. I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, but there has been a lot on my mind lately. I needed some time to sort out my thoughts.
Ever since this pandemic started getting serious and spreading in California, I’ve been feeling so stuck and paralyzed. It could be because I’m not feeling in control or that things are constantly changing, but my normal routine is completely thrown off now. I was used to feeling that way when I lived with my mother because it was absolute chaos all the time, but it’s been three years since then. After living on my own, I got used to being independent and doing what I want with myself. The problem is that there is so much uncertainty with this coronavirus.
We don’t know way more than we do know.
The rules are constantly being updated too. I’m just now getting used to wearing masks in public but it’s still weird seeing everyone wearing them at the grocery store or picking up Starbucks. Of course, I completely support the regulations and understand the reasoning behind them. I willingly abide by them, but it is an exhausting lifestyle since I’m constantly over-analyzing every move I make, terrified of catching this virus.
I have a good reason to be scared though. Being immunocompromised, I know my risk of serious illness from this virus is high so I need to take even more precautions than others to keep myself healthy. It’s a lot of pressure to be under and sometimes I can’t take it. This is when the paralysis sets in and my thoughts consume me. I know I should just do something else with my time but I just end up reading more articles and watching more videos about the virus or scrolling through Instagram. Some days I feel okay and a little more positive about everything, but other days I wake up and remember we are in a global pandemic with thousands of people dying every day so I just lay there frozen on my bed.
Pre-quarantine, one of my favorite things was to go to HomeGoods or Sephora and browse around the aisles, looking for a new find. I miss going out for a simple meal at one of my favorite restaurants and skimming through magazines at Barnes & Noble too. Even just shopping at Target now is a whole ordeal. Waiting in line to get in and to check out plus keeping in mind social distancing parameters while walking through the store gives me anxiety (and I’m not an anxious person). I know it would be better if I stayed home all day every day, but going to Target or the supermarket is the only place we can go right now if not the living room in our apartment. It’s still not fun, but I will literally go insane if I had to remain inside my apartment at all times. I know this is a temporary situation that is difficult for everyone but it’s really starting to get to me now. Especially because everything just became more real and one of my fears that something bad would happen to someone I knew came true.
On March 28th, I found out my uncle-in-law was hospitalized and diagnosed with COVID-19. When I first heard the news, I couldn’t help but fear the worst. I thought about him every day and prayed for him to recover, feeling so sad he had to go through this alone but knowing no one could go see him. On Tuesday, April 7th we received the terrible news that he passed away after being in the hospital for 2 weeks. It makes me even sadder because I haven’t seen him in a few years. He was the brother of my uncle’s wife and we used to spend a lot of time together when I was a kid. I remember going over to their parents’ house in Anaheim for a family party. The adults sang karaoke while the kids played games. He was a good man and has three very cute kids and a very kind, beautiful wife. I feel so bad for everyone he was close to. I know this will leave a big hole in their hearts. His death was extremely sudden and tragic. The service was live-streamed today (the 14th) and watching it made everything too real.
After that, I felt so hopeless. I wanted to fix it and change what happened to him but I know that I can’t. That’s when I realized that even though it feels like we aren’t doing a much by staying inside and avoiding others, we are doing a lot.
This is the one thing we can do to control the outcome of this pandemic.
The best thing to do is stay away from the people we care about for this period of time. I haven’t seen my brother, my aunt, or my grandma in weeks which is super unusual for me. I used to be able to go over there every week. I really miss them but I’m staying strong because I couldn’t handle it if anything happened to them.
It’s definitely not easy to do and it gets really boring (especially over a month in), but it’s better than hearing that you’ve lost someone you love. Once they’re gone you can never get them back. Sometimes it’s hard to maintain the positivity day by day, but we have to find a way in order to survive. What keeps me going is knowing the importance of my actions and remembering my purpose. We all have a role to play in preventing the spread of this virus and will actually save thousands of lives by following these rules.
I know there will be better times ahead. The day will come when we can have a nice group dinner at a restaurant again and where we can enjoy a sunny day relaxing at the beach with friends. It may not be very soon but it will happen. We just have to muster the strength inside ourselves, take a deep breath when we need to, and keep moving forward. Remember how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken from us. Remember to be grateful you are still alive and breathing. When things get hard, and you might feel like panicking just don’t. Focus on what you can control and that’s just your actions. From there it’s up to fate. No matter what the outcome is, it never helps to focus on the negatives. You’ll just dig yourself into a deep emotional hole. Humans are resilient by nature and I know we are capable of surviving this. For now, all we can do is make sure we are taking care of ourselves mentally, physically, and spiritually. Cry if you need to, but once it’s all over remember:
Everything will be okay.
